It probably around this time last year, that my friend, a cardiologist, told me that basically there’s something wrong with my heart, but it’s still in normal range, so I don’t have to worry. My reaction was freaked out. Even though it’s “normal”, somehow I still feel concerned about it.

Oh btw, I have arrhythmia (ventricular extrasystole), which in normal range, and mild-moderate tricuspid regurgitation. Arrhythmia is a condition where your heart beats irregularly. Regurgitation means there’s a defect in one of your heart valve, so your heart doesn’t pump blood optimally. As a doctor, if I have this kind of patient, I would suggest the same, he/she doesn’t have to worry. But as a patient, I don’t know, it feels different when you ARE the patient.

Freaked out? Yes. Sad? Yes. Scared? Yes. Happy thoughts? Gone. Well, that’s awful. That state was going about a few weeks. I often feel scared and cries a lot. It’s not like I will die right now..oh wait, I really don’t know when I’ll die. It’s just that..all this time, I always feel that “oh, I’m still young, I still have time”. But then it hits me “well, no, you don’t know how much time you still have”.

Actually, ALLAH already told us in Quran that we don’t have much time, time will pass quickly. In surah Al-Asr:
“Demi masa. Sungguh, manusia berada dalam kerugian, kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan kebajikan serta saling menasihati untuk kebenaran dan saling menasihati untuk kesabaran.”

From then on, I try to accept my “gift”, maybe it’s a reminder from ALLAH. Repent now, before it’s too late. I’m eagerly go to pengajian, even I learn Arabic language so I can understand more about Quran. I’ve tried to collect more good deeds.

But, I still feel what I’ve done so far is not enough. So, from time to time, I panicked, I feel like I’m going to die on that exact moment. I even went to ER last week, and turns out that everything was normal. This is not good.

So I decided to go to a friend, who is a psychiatrist. In just less than an hour, she could made me tell her a lot of things that I’ve been holding in. She told me that panic disorder is not a sudden thing. It usually builds up from few hours before. When our body and mind can’t take it anymore, it goes in “panic state.” And every “panic state” usually have the same pattern. She told me to find that pattern with CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). She also gave me some medications.

The thing that I remember the most is when she told me “you’ve done enough for everyone (your son, husband, parents), you can’t please them all. The one you really need to take good care is yourself, invest in yourself.”

When I REALLY think of it, it hits me again. I’ve done many good deeds, for everyone. But it seems I “forget” to fulfilled my soul. I’m still confused about my role. Is it enough if I keep being a stay-home-mom? Do I really need to work outside as a doctor again? I know that human was made to pray to ALLAH. But what kind of deeds that will elevate me in front of ALLAH, that I’m actually good at, that can benefit many people, that will eventually bring me closer to ALLAH?

My heart condition, also my mental condition, actually are “gifts” from ALLAH. I need to learn more about myself, and about Quran. I believe that eventually I will become a better person. Truly ALLAH’s plans are better.